Spell Drivel

I crave attention
and long for deep, intimate
relationships
while at the same time I
demand privacy and
insulate myself from others
never allowing myself to get too
close to anyone
because the pain of loss has never
faded.. from so many loses early in life.

What can anyone hope to gain
from a relationship?
Trust. Hope. Happiness.
Adventure. Love.
I cannot promise any of them.
I don’t have much trust or hope.
Happiness is fleeting.
The only adventure in my life comes
in the form of trouble.
Love, what is love?

I want to change the world
but I want someone else to help
me do it.
Why do I always think that someone
is going to appear in my life that will
teach me or show me ‘The Way’?
‘When the student is ready
the teacher will appear.’
This student is impatient
and tired of waiting on the teacher.

So like a hooded pigeon I’ll blindly
follow an unseen path that leads
to uncertainty.
My five year plan is to have a five year plan.
Goals are something football players make.
The future is tomorrow.
I write this drivel because I haven’t written
in almost a month and I needed to.
I am sober for the first time in fourteen years
and I’m miserable.. so fucking miserable.