On ‘The Nod’

Daddy’s eyes are rollin’ again
and he’s talking about Mini
but what he’s saying ain’t making much sense
and why’s he rubbin’ his nose so much,
does he have poison oak ’cause he keeps
scratching himself all over like a flea bitten dog

Baby don’t pay me no attention
but could you get Daddy a beer out
of his little fridge and my huggy?
MOMMA! Could you bring me one
of those things in my drawer?
Yeah, the M- E- T- H- A- D- O- N- E

I haven’t had any in so long and
my back really does hurt and
I deserve a little break from everything
it’s been over a month, no beer, no pills,
no bars, no Crown and 7Up. I’ve been home
this whole time.. why not?

You see baby, Daddy’s on ‘The Nod’ again,
like a junky but he thinks that since he swallows
it instead of shooting it that it’s different
He’ll start sweating and itching all over, his eyes will
roll when he’s really had a lot and his head will nod
like he’s asleep, that’s when he starts talking funny.

One pill and a few drinks starts the chatter box feeling,
another pill adds the good itchy feeling,
a third pill gets the good sick feeling and
four, well, that’s the best.. I like four at once with a
half case of Miller Lite and a bottle of Turning Leaf
with strawberries.. that was Mini’s favorite.

We remember the best parts of everything and
‘The Nod’ is no different: Remember the
fights when you were so fucked up you couldn’t keep
your mouth shut and the late nights out and you couldn’t
remember shit? Remember the sickness and the pain when you ran out?
Remember missing work all the time? Remember rehab?

I’m no longer on ‘The Nod’
I hope for good

Spell Drivel

I crave attention
and long for deep, intimate
relationships
while at the same time I
demand privacy and
insulate myself from others
never allowing myself to get too
close to anyone
because the pain of loss has never
faded.. from so many loses early in life.

What can anyone hope to gain
from a relationship?
Trust. Hope. Happiness.
Adventure. Love.
I cannot promise any of them.
I don’t have much trust or hope.
Happiness is fleeting.
The only adventure in my life comes
in the form of trouble.
Love, what is love?

I want to change the world
but I want someone else to help
me do it.
Why do I always think that someone
is going to appear in my life that will
teach me or show me ‘The Way’?
‘When the student is ready
the teacher will appear.’
This student is impatient
and tired of waiting on the teacher.

So like a hooded pigeon I’ll blindly
follow an unseen path that leads
to uncertainty.
My five year plan is to have a five year plan.
Goals are something football players make.
The future is tomorrow.
I write this drivel because I haven’t written
in almost a month and I needed to.
I am sober for the first time in fourteen years
and I’m miserable.. so fucking miserable.