drunken alphavomitus

leader, brother, friend..
please, can you tell me
what I need to do
now?

i fear that i may
make a decision that,
(although well intentioned)
may be wrong

i trust in you to not lead
me astray, or deliver me
unto evil..
i voted for you.. in faith

i allow you to deny me my
liberties, my freedoms,
because you tell me..
it’s for my safety.. MY SAFETY!

you will not let my friend
‘fly the friendly skies’
because his name is ‘Rashad’.. but
it’s for OUR SAFETY!

i announce my intentions
to you not by intent but by
my apathy.. because of my lack
of care.. you have full control..

my apathy- lets you tap my phone
my apathy- lets you read my email
my apathy- allows Guantanamo Bay
your only concern- my apathy

my apathy is your only concern
you can entertain me but you don’t educate me
isn’t American Idol on..? Is Brad and Angelina
gonna adopt another child.. turn up the TV..

these are the Days of White..
the Dark Nights will be next

-GS

i’ve been the dreamer of many a
twisted dream
composed of various elements and
unrelated characters
usually mulled over on my commute to work
then forgotten

last night’s was no different in
it’s general progression
only in it’s variety of characters
and situations
i’d be afraid to hear what a psychologist
would think of my dreams

here goes in relative order:
trick-or-treating, taliban,
beheading, persian girl,
shackles, barred door,
urination, john goodman, defecation

Ok, it gets better:
motorcycle, highway, air conditioner repair,
some gay guy, my old boss Randy,
Bukowski, black hooker, cigarettes,
marijuana, pine needles, instantaneous sunrise

it all peters out here:
great day proclamation, leather jacket,
riding wheelies and the realization that I
am supposed to be at work but somehow
it just doesn’t matter now

*chirp chirp*
hey man know anybody that’s
got something for a back ache?

*chirp chirp*
nah man. should’ve caught me earlier
you know who just got her script but
she ain’t coming off any more of ‘em

*me grumbling*
fuckin’ greedy bitch
*chirp chirp*
no shit? you sure? i’ll settle for
four fuckin’ tens.. i’m fuckin’ dyin’ here

*chirp chirp*
what was that?

*chirp chirp*
FOUR FUCK-ING TENSSSS.. ANYTHING!!

*chirp chirp*
i’ll see if I can get her.. she was out
of minutes earlier.. i’ll let you know..

*chirp chirp*
ten-four, say no more..

and he won’t. fellow pill head won’t get
you SHIT unless they are BROKE.. OUT..
or HOPING TO SCORE OFF YOU..
stay way from pills and all things
narcotic..
including me.. especially me.

To not be his follower
To be free of guilt
To take on scorn
To have free thoughts
To be myself

I will be the man
I will set the world on fire
I will deny him
I will take my silver
I will buy a rooster

He will never say a word
He will not complain
He will not come around
He will never shed a tear for me
He will stand by and let me burn in hell

Rather than reveal himself
Rather than answer a simple prayer of lacking faith
Rather than prove himself real
Rather than come down and save my soul
Rather than take my hand and guide me to truth..

He’d rather sit back in Heaven and watch me perish.

In the name of
THE FATHER
THE SON
and
THE HOLY SPIRIT

Lukewarm water engulfed my sins
I do not remember my thoughts then
Only now do I look back
laughing
Then Dripping
And Now
unbelieving

It would be fun to go back
maybe add some bubble bath to the baptistry
Foaming Re-birth
Shining
The smell of bubblegum bubble bath
The pastor dunking up a frenzy
as children line up
Smiling
Rubber Ducks born again
Water wings squeaking as children cry
Eyes irritated by bubblebath

A warm towel awaited me afterwards
it’s embrace now more symbolic than the immersion
I relive it every morning
only
now I don’t have to believe

so i was riding in to work
yesterday
in the rain
when I noticed something odd
on the rear window of the car
in front of me on the expressway

it was a paperclip
just laying flat on the
rear windshield
how it got there
and stayed there
is a mystery

35, 45, 55, 65, 55, 45, 35 until it stopped
and it never came off
a surly bond of hydrogen and oxygen molecules
joining together to hold it fast
like a turtle
on a fence post
it had to have help getting there

*poetry point, try using anthropomorphism*
maybe it grew tired of the mundane
daily grind of the office
and thought it would try it’s hand
at being an antenna
or else it was a failed attempt at flying

i wish I could adhere myself
to a plane
and slip into another role
one where I was only responsible
for myself and not for
holding everyone else around me together

Daddy’s eyes are rollin’ again
and he’s talking about Mini
but what he’s saying ain’t making much sense
and why’s he rubbin’ his nose so much,
does he have poison oak ’cause he keeps
scratching himself all over like a flea bitten dog

Baby don’t pay me no attention
but could you get Daddy a beer out
of his little fridge and my huggy?
MOMMA! Could you bring me one
of those things in my drawer?
Yeah, the M- E- T- H- A- D- O- N- E

I haven’t had any in so long and
my back really does hurt and
I deserve a little break from everything
it’s been over a month, no beer, no pills,
no bars, no Crown and 7Up. I’ve been home
this whole time.. why not?

You see baby, Daddy’s on ‘The Nod’ again,
like a junky but he thinks that since he swallows
it instead of shooting it that it’s different
He’ll start sweating and itching all over, his eyes will
roll when he’s really had a lot and his head will nod
like he’s asleep, that’s when he starts talking funny.

One pill and a few drinks starts the chatter box feeling,
another pill adds the good itchy feeling,
a third pill gets the good sick feeling and
four, well, that’s the best.. I like four at once with a
half case of Miller Lite and a bottle of Turning Leaf
with strawberries.. that was Mini’s favorite.

We remember the best parts of everything and
‘The Nod’ is no different: Remember the
fights when you were so fucked up you couldn’t keep
your mouth shut and the late nights out and you couldn’t
remember shit? Remember the sickness and the pain when you ran out?
Remember missing work all the time? Remember rehab?

I’m no longer on ‘The Nod’
I hope for good

I crave attention
and long for deep, intimate
relationships
while at the same time I
demand privacy and
insulate myself from others
never allowing myself to get too
close to anyone
because the pain of loss has never
faded.. from so many loses early in life.

What can anyone hope to gain
from a relationship?
Trust. Hope. Happiness.
Adventure. Love.
I cannot promise any of them.
I don’t have much trust or hope.
Happiness is fleeting.
The only adventure in my life comes
in the form of trouble.
Love, what is love?

I want to change the world
but I want someone else to help
me do it.
Why do I always think that someone
is going to appear in my life that will
teach me or show me ‘The Way’?
‘When the student is ready
the teacher will appear.’
This student is impatient
and tired of waiting on the teacher.

So like a hooded pigeon I’ll blindly
follow an unseen path that leads
to uncertainty.
My five year plan is to have a five year plan.
Goals are something football players make.
The future is tomorrow.
I write this drivel because I haven’t written
in almost a month and I needed to.
I am sober for the first time in fourteen years
and I’m miserable.. so fucking miserable.

the vines hang limp on Red Mountain’s sides
like the arms of inmates
draped over prison bars
neither hopeful nor hopeless

day by day freedom passes the inmates
as a nonstop progression of cars pass them by
causing them to swing up and out
longing to get away

brought here from Japan
although originally from China
the foreign menace (in summer heat)
can grow almost half a meter per day

can we blame the plant?
it didn’t ask to be brought here
so it has been forced to survive
by any means necessary

the blanketing of it’s leaves
suffocates everything
around it and it’s combined weight
causes tree limbs to surrender and break

but we’re just talking about kudzu
it’s pretty purple flower smells like
grapes but who even cares?
It’s a menace and must be stopped.

you see me on the sidewalk near your house
you see me in the grocery store or gas station too
i pass you in traffic every morning on i-59
i sometimes pass you after work as well

you saw me on the sidewalk and thought nothing
you saw me in the grocery store and the gas station and so what
passed you this morning doing 90 and i flipped you off, you fucking swerved at me
i may see you when i get off work but i probably won’t

i walked down the sidewalk to get my handful of methadone
i got a half-case at the grocery store and another an hour later at the gas station
when i flipped you off this morning i had a .40 caliber pistol in my lap
i don’t even remember what you looked like, i’ll never forget your fucking truck

my problems
a drug problem
a drinking problem
an anger management problem

your problems
my drug problem
my drinking problem
my anger management problem

if you see me on the sidewalk, say ‘bad day huh?’ and smile
if i’m at the grocery store or gas station ask me about my tattoos or something
when i pass and flip you off, just ignore me, you’d better fucking ignore me
i’m angry at life and i have to get somewhere to help me feel better

my problems are your problems too